1GB RAM, 1 CPU that's at least 1.6GHz (faster is good too, so is dual core or quad core, but 1.6GHz single core is enough to play DVDs, which is about the hardest job you listed). Large hard drive or drives - the more drive space, the more music and photos you can store. Windows XP - *NOT* Vista - you'll need more computer (read: more expensive) to run Vista as well as a cheaper box will run XP.
(You can change the drive if the particular laptop has a user-accessible drive - some do, dome don't. 500GB drives are available for laptops for reasonable prices, and they'll be coming down in price.)
As far as a printer, all laptops have at least one UISB port, and most printers are USB.
If you can't stand the touchpad and "keyboard", do what I do - carry a small (not too small) keyboard and small mouse in your laptop case. It's the only way I can use my laptop.